Tears 

0.02.

I weighed myself tonight and that’s how close I am to gaining back all the weight.

Yup.

I’ve basically gained the 100lbs I lost back.

Great job. 

😭

No wonder my back hurts. 

No wonder my knees hurt.

No wonder I get exhausted doing simple things. 

This sucks.

This really, really sucks.

~ Me

100lbs. 

Thanks Facebook for reminding me that this time 4 years ago I was celebrating 100lbs lost. Fast forward 4 years later, and here I am a mere 9 pounds away from having gained that 100lbs back. 

I am devastated. I am heart broken. I am beyond disappointed in myself. How did I let this happen? 

That’s 25lbs a year, an average of 3lbs a month. How did I get here? I was doing SO well. Never would I have thought 4 years ago that I would be back to where I started. 

I am so disappointed in myself. 

My body hurts. My body aches. I want to lose weight again but I can’t seem to get my head wrapped around it. 

Food has also been my comfort and I keep turning to it. Even tonight, when I realized I am 9lbs from gaining back the full 100lbs, I turned to food. I ate a whole bunch of chocolates from a Costco Christmas tin. I ate all dressed chips with dip. I drank two brisk iced teas. I ate movie theatre popcorn. 

Why do I do this to myself?!

How do I turn it around?

2017 is almost here and I really just want next year to be the year that I turn it around. I need to lose this weight, and I need to learn how to control eating my emotions and how to maintain a weight loss.

For my physical, and emotional well-being.

~ Me

Bah hum bug.

It makes me sad – but I am so not in the Christmas spirit this year. I am usually all about Christmas. I spend lots of time and thought picking out the perfect gifts for people. I decorate like crazy. I get all festive. 

Not this year. 😭

My house has been for sale for 5 months. We just got an offer last weekend and it fell through. I was (am) super disappointed. I was so looking forward to moving out and getting my life back on track. I am trying to have an “everything happens for a reason” and positive attitude and outlook about it like maybe a better offer is coming, but if I’m being honest, it really fucking sucks and I’m super disappointed and I just wanna yell and scream and be mad about it. 

My nana is dying of cancer. It’s not getting any better. I saw her tonight, and some of the things she says makes me feel like she’s going to be gone soon and it absolutely breaks my heart. I know she’s in pain and I don’t want her to suffer, and if going is what is best for her, than it’s what best for her, but if I’m being honest I wanna bawl my eyes out because she’s the only grandmother I’ve ever known and it makes me so sad that her time with us is coming to a close. 

My weight is out of control. I’m so stressed I feel like I can’t focus on it. I’ve been eating out like crazy. I haven’t been exercising. I’m super depressed about everything and making terrible choices. I want to lose weight but I can’t seem to get a grip on it. 

I’m just in this huge funk. My heart hurts from all the pain. I’m so emotional and it’s hard. 

I just need a good cry. It doesn’t help that all of this is also happening during one of the most stressful times of the year.

~ Me 

Gym Anxiety. 

Yesterday, I went to the gym and experienced some of the worst anxiety I’ve ever felt. The whole entire time I was there felt like an entirnity. I felt like everyone was looking at me and watching me. I felt like everyone was judging me. I couldn’t even focus on what I was doing, and I couldn’t wait to get out of there. 

I am definitely not ready to be going to the gym yet. I am trying to lose weight, but right now I am not comfortable in a gym. The biggest reason for that is seeing people I know. 

I don’t want the pity encouragement and the “oh good for you’s.” I don’t want to see you again and have you ask me how working out is going. It puts too much pressure on me. 

There’s too many people around. I prefer working out at home for now, or a small group class. Or swimming, then at least I can hide in the water. 

~ Me 

Cheer Squad. 

I am trying to not be annoyed by my friend. My friend has decided to be motivated and work out. Good for her. But I do not want to hear about it all the time! 

I know she wants me to do stuff with her, but I am on my own journey right now, and a lot of my journey involves self healing and letting go of the past, and I’m just not ready to join her with her journey. 

I am starting my own journey, getting myself on to the track of eating well and exercising. I am trying to tap into my spiritual side and also take care of my mental health by practicing self care. 

As much as I love my friend and I do want her to succeed, (aside from a little bit of jealously) I just am not ready to be her cheer squad. I have myself to work on right now and I need myself to be my own cheer squad and focus on myself before I can focus on cheering on someone else, best friend or not. 

~ Me

Moving Forward.

Tonight I went out for dinner with an old friend and made terrible choices. Deep fried asparagus. Deep fried pickles. Boneless wings with cheese sauce and bacon. Fries. Lemonade.

All I’ve been doing as of late is making terrible choices. McDonald’s. Wendy’s. Hawkins cheezies. 

I want to change. I need to change. 

I am tired of stuffing my face with bad food and feeling like complete shit after. I’m tired of feeling incredibly bloated. I’m tired of having no energy. I’m tired of having to sit on the toilet to brush my teeth after walking up the stairs because I’m out of breath. I’m tired of looking at my legs in leggings and seeing elephant legs. I’m tired of feeling fat. I’m tired of feeling tired. I’m tired of having no energy. I am tired of having no motivation. I’m tired of giving up. I’m tired of the looks of disappointment from others. I’m tired of it all.

I know I need to change, and I know it’s going to take work. I just have to start. I just need to start. One step at a time, but I can do it and I will do it. 

I need to stop comparing myself to the past version of myself. The past is in the past. Quit looking backwards. I’m not going that way. Whether it was a blessing or a lesson, my past brought me to where I am now. I need to harness the strength and power I possess and keep moving forward. 

Yes I can. 

~ Me

Exercise Routine.

I am trying to figure out what I want to do for exercise. I’ve been feeling a little insecure about my size lately, and I want to get back into exercising. 

I want to do things that I love, because I know myself and I don’t stick with things that I don’t like, so I don’t want to waste my money. If I am going to invest in myself, I want to invest in things I desire to do. 

I really like dance inspired cardio classes, yin and gentle yoga, swimming and walking. I also have tried trampoline classes in the past and have enjoyed those as well. I am also always looking to try new things. 

The one problem I am having is money. I am still paying off my European vacation, and I don’t really like asking my mom for money despite how willingly she gives it. Signing up for things is usually short term. I either get a pass that expires after a date or a certain amount of uses. Trying new things also costs money too. I don’t really have the budget for that at this time, so those options are out right now for the trampoline class and trying new things. 

I spend a lot of time at home. Most of that time is spent on the couch, watching television and eating bad food. That’s not a good combination for wanting to lose weight. I have been thinking about trying exercise DVD’s. I bought a Jillian Michael’s DVD a few years ago ago in a $5 bin at walmart and I only used it once. So that scares me a little bit about at home workout DVD’s. At the same time though, I wasn’t really interested in the DVD that I bought. 

Last winter, I brought two Walking Away The Pounds DVD’s. I never used them because I put them in my cupboard and forgot I owned them. OOPS. I want to try them. I did buy them for a reason, and since I already own them, I might as well use them and save myself some money. 

Another thing I am toying around the idea of is the beachbody exercise DVD’s but I feel guilty. The reason of that guilt is because I feel like a hypocrite. I’ve always found beachbody extremely annoying. I don’t believe in shakes to supplement weight loss. Every person I see on social media who does shakeology has the craziest looking eyes and that freaks me out. I also hate how much the coaches spam social media and I don’t like all the constant accountability check in’s especially since I struggle and I feel judged when I struggle, but that’s a mental battle of my own. But, I do like some of their workouts and some of their recipes.

A girl I went to school with (who also has a background in personal training so she actually knows her stuff) has been a beach body coach since May, and like most coaches she spams the shit outta social media. I try to ignore it, but sometimes I see photos of the food she makes and I’m like “oh my god that looks good!!” Upon further investigation into the food, it’s not like she buys specific beach body products to cook with, she just buys regular food and makes healthy recipes. So that got me intrigued and I asked to join her recipe group on Facebook and I’ve already saved like six recipes I want to try. 

She also posts videos of her workouts. Again, I try to ignore them, but dammit she’s really mastered capturing your attention. Some of the workouts look fairly easy, fun and low-impact. Plus, they are also quick, so if you have a busy life, it’s not hard to fit in a half hour workout. 

Anyways, with Black Friday coming up, there’s a whole bunch of deals on the beach body site (of course), and for two dance based cardio DVD’s (which I like), and some equipment it’s only $76.50 including shipping. I think that’s a hell of a good deal for beach body. So I am kind of debating it, I just feel like a hypocrite because I’ve been so anti-beachbody forever, but really it’s just the shakes and the annoying coaches that I am against. 

I think I will sleep on it before I decide to buy anything, but if I bought that to go along with the walking away the pounds DVD’s, it’s a start and will get me back into exercising. It’s a investment in myself and my health, and unlike gym memberships, the DVD’s don’t expire. 

~ Me